Giving up...

I am so close to giving up..in fact have I not given up already? I have gained a lot of weight, and am struggling to even see the road. There are however some small anchors still keeping me semi grounded to the cause. What makes me sad most of all, is not the gained weight, let's face it I am used to it. But moreso the fact that I really believed I could change my life, my ways, only to learn that I may be able to it, but have in fact NOT.

The small anchors- both positive and negative?

• still going to weight watchers. Not every week, but I am still going.
• friends who keep being in terested
• remembering how good it felt to lug around less weight
• having thrown away all clothes way too big for me, noticing the clothes I have now are ill fitting, and in fact some do not fit anymore!
• being healthy is important to me.
• Looking "fat" again, and I do not want that!
• still working out, less but still 4-5 times a week

Yesterday I went to weight watchers for the first time in 4 weeks . I had LOST 0.5 lb. Not much at all, but the important fact was I HAD lost weight,and had not been to a weigh in for 4 weeks; because believe me I can gain 15 lbs in such a period, and have in fact done so.

SO, in short I am on the cross road.....to keep going and view this as a learbing curve, or just stop and work to accept the fact that I am a product of my childhood and past, and cannot change.

This is in fact a cry for help........

Motivation and discipline

Lost........and having trouble finding it again.

I feel like a person lost in a strange land. I am in that place where I feel ike I am blind, quite alone and dismal. I am on a little by road which is hard to traverse, uneven, muddy and wholly unpleasant to be on. So from time to time I rush into the many places alongside it which offer consollation for the weary traveller, and buy masses of comfort food. Which I find I try to eat all at once, in that moment finding solace. Only to feel worse once I have eaten the lot.

I have not blogged in a while, and what I had dreaded, the end of the year blues, slump, detour, horror, has indeed happened to me. I am struggling to get out again. I have gained so much weight again that it is ridiculous. I now weigh 146.3 kg/322.6 lbs

For weeks I have been avoiding the numbers. Seeing them printed is not a good thing, but at least gives me a place to start again. Having said that, I still am 25.9kg/57 lb less than I was when I started in may 2007. This blog post is a way to rearrange my thoughts, get past this feeling of being a total failure, and accept that I am just human and not some kind of "weight"machine, faulty or non faulty.

A way to set out the parameters again, to regain my drive, my will power, my UMPF!

1.   Go to the gym every morning -a total of 5 times minimum-
  - go in the morning, or else my work will make it impossible to go, afternoons just don't work out -
  - at least twice power training, twice cardio training, all else is optional.
2.   eat healthy
3.   drink 2 liters of water a day, eat fruit
4.   write down all points, active points
5.   cut down on sugary stuff.
6.   get at least 6 hrs of sleep, 8 is better (weekend are good to get 8 hrs of sleep)
7.  do my shopping in time, so I never have an excuse to stray
8.  plan my meals for the day
9.  when at home cook every evening

BUT MOST OF ALL:

10. be positive, be positive, be positive, be positive
This monring  I have slept 6 hrs, just finished my porridge, worth 8 points, have water beside me, and finished two satsuma's munching on an apple.

I was reading my last post before this one. The lat lines and thatb was some 4 months ago were : I AM SO incredibly, unbelievably, undeniably HAPPY. Does that mean I am unhappy now. No, it does not. My job is going well, my friends, my family all is going well. Let;s just say I am disatisfied, slightly disappointed, and find it hard to call out for help. In these momenst I find I cannot reach out and accept help. SO once again I make it hard on myself and force myself to do it all alone.

Weird, isn't it. Well, it is not completely true, I did share all of this with one person. Tears, self incriminations. I talked about it with best friends, my WW coach, and decided posting here is step one. From ther on off it will be all uphill and going strong again.

I CAN

I WILL

I WANT TO